


Idols Must Smile While Dancing

by TheOneAndOnly1993



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anesthesia, Car Accidents, Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-02-01 01:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21323329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOneAndOnly1993/pseuds/TheOneAndOnly1993
Summary: After being slapped by Umi, instead of running away Honoka tries mending their bond soon after. Then she's hit by a car, and as a result unveils to her friends a hidden, unfortunate talent.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Idols Must Smile While Dancing

Honoka was often quick to jump to… well, anything really. That included the moment-to-moment beat of a conversation. It was part of her charm!

Or, at least, that’s what she’d tell herself.

But it made the girls laugh, or roll their eyes!

It was fun. 

_ Except nothing’s fun about jumping to conclusions… and yelling at one of your best friends. Oh, Kotori-chan... _

The air’s evening bite was nothing compared to the pinching upon Honoka’s left cheek, flaring at the thought of Umi’s furious eyes, her open palm, the crack of flesh on flesh. Honoka cradled it, though her breast twisted deep within, triply painful.  _ Why?  _ she wondered, grasping at the fabric burying her ache.  _ Why did I have to say those things to Kotori-chan?! It was my fault for giving her no choice!  _

Worse still, she’d hated every moment of confessing to Honoka: she, unlike Honoka, actually took the time and had the heart to understand what her friends were feeling. She was the victim here, and Honoka had the gall to berate her for it just because she felt betrayed. 

_ I don’t—I never deserved her,  _ thought Honoka.  _ Muse—no... I only got this far because of her. She was the first… th-the first…  _

Honoka stared ahead, thought ahead, for anything elsewhere would erupt the welling pressure in her eyes. Ahead was a chance to, at the very least, learn from this mess and allow Kotori to leave with a lighter heart. Ahead marched a slender girl quick enough to leave a meter between them, huffing audibly with her arms crossed—denying Honoka the privilege of walking by her side.

Honoka mustered her energy. “Umi-chan!” she sang, “I-I know what you’re thinking now! For once...” No reply. She didn’t even react. Absolutely Antarctic, that shoulder of hers. “You’re thinking, ‘oh, that Honoka-chan, whom I love, she’d better start thinking about others’ feelings before speaking from now on. She’d better prostrate before Kotori-chan and apologize, so we can go back to being best friends and… and stuff!’”

With that, Umi turned her blessed head. Though she kept her eyes drawn shut. “Bzzt! Completely off the mark.”

“What?!” 

“I told you, Honoka-chan—I told you, I’m not talking to you! You’ll have to think for once, reflect upon the actions which led you here.” 

Honoka gasped, every word an arrow to the heart!

Okay, a bit dramatic, she realized after a moment’s consideration.  _ But… but I can’t help how I feel! _ It hurt, having Umi be mad at her. Especially when it was entirely justified.

“I already have, though!” Honoka, admittedly, whined. “I feel bad and wanna fix things.” 

Umi looked over her shoulder, sincere sorrow in her gaze. “And I’m sorry, Honoka-chan, I wish that was good enough but feeling bad just simply isn’t. Feeling bad doesn’t mean you understand where you went wrong.” She returned ahead, an upcoming crosswalk conveniently signaling to clear the road. 

_ But I have.  _ Honoka blinked away a pressure building behind her eyes.  _ I… I should have considered everybody before going hard on training. If I had, we could’ve gotten into Love Live! If I had, Kotori-chan would be leaving on good terms…  _

Everything that transpired on the school rooftop was a slap in the face, and not just literally, to both to Kotori’s integrity and her deep, years-long bond with Honoka. It hurt terribly to know she was leaving, but how the reveal went down was one of the worst possible scenarios. 

_ I even acted like Muse was the victim here, when in my heart I selfishly considered myself the more hurting one. Kotori-chan has the right to live her life how she wants, and I—! _ Honoka’s throat clenched.  _ I’m just the worst! _ She slapped a hand over her mouth, muffling a blubber.  _ Don’t cry, dang it! Don’t cry… _ Honoka clenched her eyes shut.  _ Umi-chan, you don’t deserve her to comfort you right now. You know she will if she hears.  _ After all, who in their right mind would want a jealous, embarrassing, clingy, loud—?!

“Honoka-chan?”

Her entire being stopped cold. Between her fingers stood the blurry visage of Umi standing on the curb, black hair a glossy curtain, whose worried tone detailed the face Honoka couldn’t make out.

“Come on, don’t sob out here.” Honoka’s heart fluttered, then flurried as precious Umi took a step forward. Then another. “Look,” she said, “I’m sorry for hitting you. Let’s... go to my place, alright? Let’s really talk about what happened.” 

_ She’s coming back to me, _ thought Honoka with a start.  _ Even though I don’t deserve— _

The screeching of tires and five frantic squeals of a horn cleaved through her entire being.

_ Even though I don’t deserve it… _

Honoka’s feet flew forward; in slow-motion Umi’s eyes widened as her body turned towards the road. 

_ ...You’re putting yourself in danger for my sake. _

Umi was always brilliant when her feelings didn’t get in the way. 

The last thing Honoka saw was her hands in front of her, Umi sprawled several feet away, and a headlight in the corner of her eye.

And she thought to herself,  _ I acted thoughtlessly again.  _ As the world spun round and round as if viewed through a dryer,  _ Umi-chan’s gonna be mad at me.  _

**********************************************

Tracks black against the asphalt, cutting through the painted crosswalk.

A man speaking muted gibberish into his cell phone.

Beside him, a sedan with a dented hood, cracked windshield, and crimson speckling his trunk.

Sprawled behind the sedan… Honoka’s leg… bent… bent in a way it wasn’t supposed to bend.

Blood pooled around her head.

_ This isn’t real. _ The ground quivered terribly. It was Umi’s arms—she could barely support herself.  _ This… we were all just at school, getting ready to practice on the roof. Kotori-chan will be leaving, and Honoka-chan was being a jerk about it, but…  _

_ But I was angry. _

_ I was angry, but I was about to let it go to stop Honoka-chan from crying. _

_ I was going to talk to her. Like really talk to her. _

_ And we were going to see Kotori-chan after. _

Her leg was bent, her head was pooling. The back of her knee had a growth, scarlet-painted and sharp as a dagger. From there, a dark puddle blossomed out.

The whine of an ambulance impaled Umi—and a coppery, tangy smell electrified the air. Suddenly, there was relentless ramming against her ribcage. The driver was before her, apologizing, apologizing, apologizing… something in there about him being on his way to the autoshop, about his brakes being finicky all day.

_ This actually happened. This is real. Honoka had… for me… sh-she— _ Umi screamed.

************************************

_ GROUP CHAT: Muse _

_ UMI: Honoka was hit by a car. _

One second passed. Then another. Then anoth— _ blip!  _

_ ELI: What? Are you serious? _

_ HANAYO: God no _

_ HANAYO: Tell us Honoka-chan stole your phone _

_ RIN: Is she ok???? _

_ HANAYO: Tell us this is some mean prank _

_ MAKI: Umi, answer them.  _

_ NOZOMI: Everybody calm down.  _

_ MAKI: ANSWER _

_ NOZOMI: Umi, where are you now?  _

_ MAKI: Please  _

Umi saw the texts, but she didn’t read them, couldn’t process them. They were coming too fast—normally a humorous and joyous issue, it was overwhelming enough now to make her scream into her hands.

Honoka’s broken body flashed before her eyes.

What had possessed Umi to even take out her phone? She vaguely recalled a need for a distraction, friends, and someone to talk to about the things she’d seen. About Honoka’s leg bent like a straw, squirting enough blood to fill fifty bathtubs it seemed like. Her poor leg, strong yet soft: lightly muscled upon their struggles and triumphs as an idol group. 

She could very well never walk again. 

Umi felt her thumbs move and that was all.

_ UMI: They said she could be paralyzed _

_ UMI: I don’t know what to do _

_ NOZOMI: Keep calm. Tell us where you are.  _

_ NICO: UMI _

_ RIN: IS HONOKA OK???? _

_ NICO: WHAT? HAPPENED?  _

_ MAKI: She was hit by a car! dO YOU THINK SHE’S OK??? _

_ ELI: Girls stop give her a moment _

_ UMI: The hospital near school. I’m sorry _

_ NOZOMI: Elichi and I are still there. Will be with you shortly.  _

_ MAKI: Already left my house. _

_ ELI: Stay strong Umi-chan.  _

_ NICO: Ordering takeout for my siblings be over asap _

This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t real. 

_ RIN: SPRINTING RN _

_ HANAYO: Mom is putting leftovers in containers. Blankets in a suitcase. We’ll be fed and comfortable.  _

Everyone was so worried about Honoka. Even Maki, terrible a thought as that was: of course she was worried. But it was nice to see confirmation. 

Another blip drew Umi back to her phone. 

_ KOTORI: Umi-chan _

_ KOTORI: Will Honoka-chan be ok? _

Umi’s thumbs weighed a ton suddenly, punching every key to ensure she didn’t mistake herself. 

_ UMI: I don’t know.  _

_ KOTORI: Forgive me Honoka-chan. I’m coming.  _

Umi’s fingers flew, her heart doubling its frantic pace. 

_ UMI: I’m sorry I don’t know because they won’t tell me _

_ UMI: They won’t let me see her _

_ UMI: She’s in ER  _

_ UMI: She’ll be fine _

_ UMI: I’m sorry this is all my falt m sorrry  _

The phone slipped between her fingers, crashing thunderously upon the tile floor. She couldn’t bring herself to pick it up; Honoka’s broken body kept getting in the way.

She didn’t know how much time had passed before a breathless,  _ “Umi-chan!” _ brought her attention to the entrance of Emergency Care, where behind a jogging pair of seniors was a dark night sky.

Umi was on her feet before realizing it, running, crashing into Nozomi’s firm, shaking embrace. “I’m sorry! Umi gasped, “I’m so sorry! Honoka! She—”

“Don’t you dare apologize.” Eli’s voice trembled, followed by a hand resting upon Umi’s head. “This wasn’t your fault.”

And the day’s events came flooding back. “But I hit Honoka!” she wailed, bunching up Nozomi’s sweater in her fists. “I was angry and she was hurting an’ I—! She-sh-she—”

_ She might have just died for me. _ Grief stabbed her deep. “I’m sorry!” And Umi shrieked into Nozomi’s bosom, who simply stroked her head with Eli, said something about how the doctors will make Honoka all better. That they will laugh about this next week.

**************************************

Deathly quiet. Deathly still. Empty, save for Honoka’s closest friends and teammates.

That was the waiting room after Maki, farthest and thus the last to arrive, waited patiently for the automatic doors to slide open before jogging in, unlike Rin and Nico who squeezed and clawed their way through. Unrelated to this fact, the redhead had spoken the least out of all of them. 

Umi barely remembered anything Maki had said except for a hoarse, “Okay,” after being brought up to speed by Nozomi. Otherwise she was sullen as ever, her breathing and hollow gaze across the lobby betraying Maki’s honest feelings. 

“Are we still on hiatus?” Seven heads turned as one—a shifting rumble cutting through the silence. Nico was wrestling with a beefsteak cutlet Hanayo’s mom had prepared. “Idols ought to pay tribute when something happens to one of their own.” Her pigtails flounced as Nico snapped away, half a steak between her teeth. She gnawed off the piece in her mouth, the rest slapping into the container. “‘Sides,” she said, smacking her lips, “we still gotta let our fans know about Kotori-chan.” 

Kotori shivered in her seat, surely still feeling responsible. 

Eli softly broke the silence: “Let’s table all discussion about Muse until we speak with Honoka-chan.” 

In other words, yes, they were still on hiatus. Glancing down the row, Umi found Nico glaring into her tupperware container. And then, “She quit on us.” 

“She was angry,” said Nozomi, raising her voice a hair. It wasn’t unkind, but the suddenness made Nico wince in her chair. “Girls, I understand the guilt we all carry. If there’s a single source in which blame can be pinned, I’d say it’s our overzealous charge towards Love Live. Yes,  _ Kotori-chan, _ ” she said pointedly, stiffening the girl beside Umi, “we did not keep a closer eye on Honoka-chan. But we each wilfully wore blinders hiding from us the very real fact that this goal was more important than our own well-being. At the end of the day, this cocktail sickened all of us, equally. You do not possess more blame for Honoka-chan’s accident.” 

“That would be me.” Umi squeezed herself tight, feeling all eyes upon her. She found herself uncaring for once. “If I hadn’t been so… so  _ angry—! _ ” 

The white tile beneath her feet became impeded by Eli’s pained face, Umi’s hands taken within hers. “Don’t do this to yourself, Umi-chan. Hindsight is 20/20.” 

_ “I crossed the stupid street!”  _

“Obsessing over ‘could haves’ and ‘should haves’ will leave you with depression.” 

_ But what if I deserve it?  _ Umi nodded, not daring voice this aloud. 

“Excuse me?” Eli and Umi both gave a start as everyone turned towards the nurse holding a clipboard—the one who was a fan of Muse and tended to Honoka’s family so the girls could have the room to themselves. “Hello.” She smiled. “I’m sure you’re all just exhausted right now. But I’m happy to inform you that Kosaka Honoka-san has awakened from surgery.” 

Hanayo shot up, hands clasped upon her heart. “How’s her leg?” she cried. 

The nurse’s smile receded to an apologetic one. “She’ll walk again, but it’s going to be crutches for several weeks.” Umi laughed wetly, uncaring of anything but the fact that Honoka wasn’t paralyzed. Glancing around the room, similar sentiments were shared between individual girls. “It was a clean break,” continued the nurse. “Including a head wound we had to stitch closed, two fractured ribs and minor lacerations all around. She’s extremely fortunate she didn’t land on the side that was broken, otherwise she might not be with us.” 

“Oh, my God,” Eli breathed, clasping her forehead. Umi slipped her fingers around the blonde’s, squeezing them and the welling of her tired eyes. 

_ It’s going to be okay,  _ Umi communicated with a smile. Eli nodded, running the back of her free hand across her cheeks. 

“May we see our friend, nurse-san?” Rin stepped up to hug Hanayo’s arm, who nodded in agreement. 

The nurse’s eyes widened. “I’d nearly forgotten. Thank you for reminding me. Ah, unfortunately, Kosaka-san is still deep in the throes of anesthesia. For the sake of our patients’ privacy, as they tend to be loose-lipped under such a state, we don’t permit anyone but immediate family to see them. However, even with her parents and sister present, Kosaka-san keeps calling out a specific name, requesting her.” 

Muse exchanged glances with one another until a sigh drew them to the back, towards Nico rising from her chair. “Well, if Honoka-chan insists…” 

Kotori, grabbing Nico’s sleeve, eased her back down, shaking her head. The smaller girl blushed but said nothing. Perhaps she was hoping to draw a laugh. 

“By any chance,” the nurse continued, “are any of you a, ah, ‘Kotori-san?’” 

The girl shot up to her feet. “Yes, that’s me?” she said as quick as she was faint. Kotori looked to everybody, to their apprehensive shrugs, lingering on the reassuring smiles from Nozomi, Eli, and finally Umi. 

Especially hers. “It could be a waste of time—” Umi started. 

“I want to see her!” Kotori cried. 

Umi giggled wetly. She liked to think herself rational, but her advisement would be mute as well if their roles were reversed. “I was going to say, though it might just be gibberish coming out of her, and there’s a chance she won’t remember any of it, this could be your chance to glean Honoka’s real feelings about everything.” 

Kotori nodded reluctantly—her best friends understood just how badly Honoka could get when it came to expressing herself. That is to say, she hid her heart at all costs out of some blind self-assurance that unburdening her friends was the same as making them happy. 

“I’ll see her,” Kotori told Umi, facing the nurse. 

*****************************************

The nurse guided Kotori until the last turn, leaving her to handle the charts for other patients. 

Kotori watched the nurse vanish around the last possible turn of the corridor, back the way they came. 

And Kotori found herself unable to move. 

_ Why can’t I move?  _ Recognizing the tautness in her chest, she asked herself,  _ Why am I so afraid?  _ It was just Honoka. 

Honoka, whom she was leaving. 

Who called her out for the bad, cowardly friend Kotori truly was. 

Honoka—who cared so little about herself she started an idol group and risked embarrassment to save school, who trained herself sick to ensure everyone made it to Love Live. 

Who took Umi’s place in front of an out-of-control sedan. 

And submerged completely in the mind-altering drugs of anesthesia and morphine, she had Kotori in her thoughts. Was this something to be happy about, or terrified? 

_ I’m too afraid to know,  _ realized Kotori,  _ that’s why I can’t move.  _

But Honoka needed, or at the very least wanted, one of her oldest and bestest friends, and for that, she mustered the strength to drag one foot forward. Then another. And another. 

Rounding the corner, Kotori was met with Honoka’s family: her mother with dark circles under her eyes, speaking with what seemed to be an aunt; Honoka’s sister was distracted thumbing through her phone, although the glazed look in her eye implied she wasn’t exactly looking at it. The family’s patriarch breathed deeply into a paper bag, inhaled, exhaled—all without making a sound, not even crinkling from his bag. The worst was beyond them, and even so he was still reeling from what had to be the biggest scare of his life. Kotori often found the man intimidating, but now, suddenly, she found herself fantasizing of a husband just as stoically passionate. 

Honoka’s mother threw her a smile before returning to her call, offering nothing more; they had been expecting her. Or more likely, they personally requested Kotori. 

She couldn’t help but jog into Honoka’s room. 

And stop cold, heart in her throat—Kotori could only see the girl’s poor leg suspended from the ceiling, encased in a cast centimeters thick. IVs flanked either side of the bed, feeding into Honoka’s pale, dead-weight arms. 

Suddenly: “Hey, there, cutie pie. I’mma your hero, now where’s my reward?” Her eyes squeezed shut, lips puckered awaiting a hero’s kiss from… from Umi, apparently. 

So silly—resembling Honoka vaguely, albeit naturally enough, to bulwark the impending tearflow.  _ I almost lost you.  _ Kotori staggered forth.  _ One of my precious, best friends. _

“Honoka-chan…” Kotori’s thighs hit the side of her bed, impeding her. 

“Ohhhh, you’re not Umi-chan!” Honoka grinned. “Hiiii, Kotoriiii. Didja finish our outfits for the finals?”

Her arms were bespeckled in bandages, a couple creeping up from her gown collar, dotting her face. Her forehead was encircled in gauze taped down.

“I’m so…” Kotori swallowed her emotion to little avail. “So happy you’re okay, Honoka-chan.” 

“Thanks,” she cooed. “I’m sorry I can’t help ya with the dresses, Kotori-chan.” 

She’d never helped before. Does she secretly want to?  _ Why apologize for this?  _ Kotori kept such questions to herself, not wishing to confuse her friend. “Honoka-chan, we aren’t going to the finals. We dropped out, remember?” 

She rolled her eyes to the ceiling, thinking intently. And then, “Aw yeah! Ha! My b,” she drawled into a groan. “My b, my b, my… my bad,” she sighed softly. “My bad.” 

Kotori’s heart twisted—it was uncommon to see such a face on Honoka. “Is something wrong?” 

“Umi-chan hates me now.” 

“And… and why would she?” 

“Cuz I’mma  _ hit  _ by a car!” 

So she believed Umi would be angry with her over this. “You saved her life, Honoka-chan. She’s downstairs right now, worried sick. Everybody is!” 

Honoka’s eyes gaped. “The whole wide world is waiting for me?!” Kotori hush-hush-hushed her, sweltering suddenly within her clothes. “I gotta see them! I gotta tell them thanks—!” Kotori lashed out. “ _ Hey…  _ le’go already...” Kotori squeezed her tight, shook with the effort of swallowing her cries. This was ridiculous, yet it was heartbreaking: Honoka was hurting and still felt the need to please everybody before herself. “Love Live,” mumbled Honoka. “I gotta get us to Love Live!” She struggled feebly, though Kotori squeezed her tighter. 

“No,” she croaked. 

“But Love Live! I gotta get to Love Live an’ make up for being stupid!” 

“There’s next year, Honoka-chan!” 

“No there isn't! Everybody hates me cuz I ruined this one!  _ Kotori-chaaan… _ ” Her glossy eyes widened as Kotori bore within them, their noses touching. Honoka’s cheeks were soft, warm between her fingers. “Hey,” she droned. 

“Hi.” Kotori swallowed. “Nobody hates you Honoka. Don’t you  _ dare  _ think that, ever. All of—the world… might not be waiting for you, and that’s very, very sad. We all worked so hard, you especially, to make that so, but we failed. But all of Muse are the ones who really love you, and they’re downstairs right now relieved to know you’re okay.” 

Honoka just stared, fixated on Kotori’s face as she eased her unto the bed. And then, “I’m taking everybody’s time. They’re here cuz I’m here.” 

“Honoka-cha—” 

She spoke as if in a trance, connecting dots she didn’t see until now: “I’m here cuz I’mma selfish friend. I’mma selfish friend cuz I’m here cuz I wanted to make Umi-chan like me. I wanted Umi-chan to like me cuz I’mma selfish friend.” 

“Stop it, no you’re not!” More had to be said. Even if it didn’t register: “Stop hurting yourself,” Kotori said. “You won’t make anyone happy like tha—” 

“Kotori-chan, do you hate me?” The waver in her voice, the harshness of it. Kotori’s entire being stopped cold, then froze over painfully—welling in Honoka’s gorgeous blue eyes, parted lips quivering terribly. “Ko-Kotori-chan, do you hate me?” 

_ She asked me again.  _ “Absolutely not!” Kotori reacted, taking her hand in both of hers, against her bosom. “Never! H-Honoka-chan, you’re one of my best friends! I would be heartbroken if anything bad happened to you—!” 

“I’m making Kotori-chan cry again. Oh, no…” 

She squeezed her hand tighter. “Because I’m sad, dummy! It hurts me to think you would even think of such a thing!”  _ Because what on Earth does that say about my quality as a friend?  _

Looking back on the last week, a pretty poor one. 

Honoka shook her head, pooled eyes staring miserably into the ceiling. “I hurt Kotori-chan. I always hurt Kotori-chan. I hurt everybody cuz I’m a selfish stupid friend.” 

“Honoka-chan—” 

“I wanna quit Muse.” Honoka gazed out the black window, to the glowing visage of their hometown. “Muse makes me happy and friends.” 

Kotori screamed inside wanting to clarify what she meant, but the answer was obvious:  _ ‘I don’t deserve any of that.’  _ Deep down, in the throes of this dopey drug she was on, this was what Honoka truly felt. 

“Honoka,” Kotori heard her own thoughts, a fact which didn’t register until after she uttered aloud, “do you wish you’d been killed by that car?” 

Silence. A beat of silence, then another, and another—synced with Kotori’s panging heartbeats. 

Kotori released her hand, an act which drove Honoka to turn—though she couldn’t look her in the eyes, Kotori lovingly stroked her poor, hurting friend’s knuckles. 

She donned a smile. “Go to sleep, Honoka-chan.” 

No response. Looking in the reflection, she already had. Perhaps she didn’t even hear the question. Maybe her fear of answering overpowered the anestesia. 

It was too much. This couldn’t be real—their happy, cheerful, loving Honoka, deep down hiding all the telltale signs of somebody with genuine depression. 

_ Idols have to always smile as they dance and as they sing,  _ Kotori realized.  _ No wonder Honoka adjusted so quickly.  _

Kotori didn’t even regard her family as she dashed from the room, choking back her cries. 

Just a little something. Dunno if this will be hated or received well, or even get any attention. Imagine the happy ending because it’s Love Live and the girls clearly love and care enough about Honoka to help her. 


End file.
